The Babies I Didn't Get to Hold but One Day Will

(a blog dedicated to moms who have miscarried.)

I guess I’ll always wonder about them while I’m on earth.

Wonder what they would have looked like, smelled like, sounded like.

Wonder about what vegetables they would have thrown on the floor or crayon color they would have reached for first.

Wonder if they are boys or girls, one of each.

Wonder how they would have felt in my arms.

I guess I’ll always have questions about what they are like in heaven.

Do they play with my Papa Jack or laugh at Uncle Dee’s jokes?

Are they held by my father-in-law, Wes, or cuddled by Memama?

Do they think about me?

Do they know they have a mom on earth who thinks about them and somehow, though she never knew them, loves them?

I have so many questions.

And for a while I refused to ask them.

I don’t know why exactly.

I think it’s because when I would think about these questions, it made the babies feel that much more real.

And, as much as I am ashamed to admit this, I didn’t want them to feel real because real can hurt a whole lot.

I just wanted to hang out with my good friend, “Denial.”

But denial is never a good friend.  

I also think that I went through a time where I didn’t think my sadness was valid.

I would talk to myself (I do that a lot) and would say things like:

“Jenna, let yourself be sad for a little bit, but then move on because your pain isn’t near as bad as hers.”

Or, “Jenna they were each so young. You didn’t carry them but for a couple of months each. Why are you sad? You didn’t even know them!”

And so I wouldn’t let myself ask the questions about what they would have looked like or sounded like or felt like in my arms, because those questions made me sad.

And I didn’t think my sadness was warranted.

But the questions wouldn’t stop surfacing.

Every time I saw a pregnant friend.

Every time I saw a commercial for diapers.

And days like today – Mother’s Day – the questions still linger.

Not too long ago, through the help of friends and family and a book by Kathe Wunnenberg (click here for book), I reached a place where I decided asking all my questions was okay.

So I did.

My husband and I planted two rose bushes in their honor, and as I water I have given myself permission to ask and ponder the answers to my flood of questions – questions about the babies I never got to know but one day will.

The first rose bloomed Easter weekend. As you can imagine, I was a blubbering mess. Couldn't stop staring at it!
(photo cred to my sweet hubs who snapped this when I wasn't looking)

But deeper than the questions about the babies, I finally allowed myself to ask questions about God.

Then, I took it a step further.

I started asking my questions about God to God. (There's a difference.)

I noticed that the questions all seemed to revolve around this little, yet head-swimming word, “why.”

I asked Him:

Why I had miscarried.

Why the babies were brought into my life if He knew they would die.

Why He had let me hurt like this.

Why He didn't rescue my babies when I prayed. 

Why I couldn’t hear Him.

Why I had to go through this.

Why, why, WHY??

I was angry. I was sad, confused, afraid. A real mess.

It wasn’t until I took KatheWunnenber’s advice, that I started to get some answers.

She says,

If you are drowning in the sea of “why” try changing the “y” to an “o.”

Choose to look beyond the “why” and to the “Who.”

So I started trying to do that – focusing on who Jesus is instead of why this had all happened.

And slowly (and I do mean slowly) I began to feel the sand of the beach, solid land under these feet – these feet that had been flailing and kicking in the deep waters of “why.”

Asking “who” led me to solid ground.

Because asking “who” led me to the heart of Jesus.

And the heart of Jesus is the only sure foundation I have to stand on.

Who is Jesus this Mother’s Day?

Who is Jesus everyday?

He is the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6)

He is the beginning and the end (Revelation 1:8)

He is selfless (Romans 5:8)

He is faithful (Psalm 36:5)

He is a good Shepherd (John 10:11)

He is salvation (John 11:25)

He is alive (John 20:6-7)

He is with you (Joshua 1:9)

He is love (1 John 4:8)

He is in control  (Colossians 1:15)

He is good (Psalm 86:5)

And oh so much more...

I still don’t have all my questions answered.

But I’ve noticed that as I have focused on “Who,” the “why” has become less important.

If you have miscarried, I hurt with you today.

I am so sorry.

That’s why I have an invitation for you.

An invitation to join me in asking “Who” today.

Will you look at who Jesus is with me today?

Let’s think about:

Who our babies are with today.

Who the real Father of our babies is.

Who created them and calls them by name.

Who holds our future in the palm of His hand.

Who cries with us when we cry.

Who restores our brokenness.

Who loves us, and our little ones, more than we will ever know.

(If you want to know more about who Jesus is, contact me here. I would love to chat with you more about it. )